i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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