If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
