My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
