Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
