dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize