I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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