all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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