For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
