Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
