If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
