Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
