The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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