Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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