The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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