He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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