its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
