y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
