Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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