so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
