I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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