just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i think i have herpe
just one?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
