There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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