Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
