my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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