all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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