It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize