My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We left an ass print on the piano.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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