Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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