She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
