remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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