Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
