dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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