So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
