3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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