So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize