Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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