I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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