I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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