Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
