Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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