the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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