Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
