So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
