I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
