The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
