Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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