i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize