He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
