It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
