My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
