I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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