I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
