sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
