dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
