I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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