Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They are going to name an STD after you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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