On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
