I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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