A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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